when i was still a little kid, everyone around me says that i was ‘a girl that was born with a silver spoon in her mouth’. i was the youngest child in my family, the only girl with 3 brothers ahead of me. my parents stayed in love with each other even after many years of living together, and i had an aunt who served as my nanny and took extra care of me while i was growing up. i can say that i grew up in a happy & complete family, that’s how blessed i am.
when i enter school in kindergarten up to primary school, people tell me that i was a ‘star’ in my class. i have a lot of friends who always go to our house because our house is very near from our school. people will tell me that i am pretty and i excelled in academics, and in showing my talents. i showed them that i can sing & dance. i even choreographed most of our dance in school. i participated in a lot of school activities & won a lot of recognition.
but entering puberty somehow puts me in an awkward stage. my self-esteem went from high to low. i became an introvert. i was unsure of myself. there are a lot of changes that went on, physical & psychological.
entering high school, at first i participated & showed my talents, but because i am in a new environment, there are a lot of changes. i literally became an awkward turtle. i started to become a wallflower. no matter how they tell me that my looks are just okay, my confidence are very very low. i still participated in some activities but started to create my own world.
it looked like i took a 360 degree turn from my old self.
i became too lazy to study. i started to be an otaku and focused myself on watching too much TV. i learned to surf the internet and became addicted to it. i changed my way of dressing up and became more boyish when it comes to style. (the good thing about this period was i became closer to my siblings.) i took less care of my appearance. and i rarely talk to other people in school aside from my close friends & classmates.
i remember i skipped attending our JS prom when i was in 3rd year high school but was forced to attend during our 4th year because it was a ‘requirement’. (so unfair -_-) it was too uncomfortable for me. i remembered i quite enjoy it just because i was with my friends, but i really felt alone during ‘slow dance time.’ i still remember the number of guys who approached me and dance with me for a few minutes. they were like…uh 6? so most of the time i was sitting all alone in our table while my friends (who are really pretty and always excel in our class) gets to be invited by a lot of guys even from different sections.
having my own world, i also created high walls surrounding me in college up until i start working. i only get comfortable with people that i’m close to and to people who share same interests with me. it was difficult for me to get comfortable with some of my co-workers because i was too aloof or maybe because i am enjoying too much of my own world.
instead of starting from being an ugly duckling that will later develop into a beautiful swan, mine was the opposite.